Vivid
Directed by B. Skow
PLAYHOUSE PERVS
Capri Anderson, Aiden Starr, Jada Fire, Lea Lexis, Tommy Pistol, Evan Stone, Tom Byron, John Strong, Lucas Stone, Barry Scott, Jerry
Non-sex actors:
Alisa Ford, Ariel Lee, Emily Eve, Tracey Sweet, Bandit, Donald Rockaway, Lee Stone, Ralph Long, Rev Sand, Rusty Nails, The Colonel.
Have you ever wanted to see two white weirdos in coveralls double-team a thick black chick in a French maid outfit? The answer, of course, is yes. Or possibly no, because that’s a pretty weird (and specific) request. Thus is the dilemma presented by this movie. On the one hand, it’s a tribute to Tim Burton’s masterpiece of silly. On the other, it’s the strangest porno I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a girl shove a vibrator in a guy’s urethra. So, yeah.
Please don’t take the final sentence of the previous paragraph to imply that the sex in this movie is anything but conventional. Aside from a little anal and some group stuff (Sans DP, of course. Why do I even get my hopes up anymore?), it’s pretty standard sex. Hot sex, but standard fare for a movie that features people fucking. Of course, not every movie has Capri Anderson, who is cute as a button. An extremely sexy button that likes to get naked and skewered on camera. But I digress…
The story should be known by everyone old enough to be viewing this site, but let me sum it up right quick. The protagonist, Pee-Wee, has a treasured possession. Said possession is stolen from Pee-Wee, prompting a big adventure (Get it? Like the title…) that takes him to many different places, where he meets many different people, whose lives he enriches in some way. Eventually, he recovers his treasure and gets the girl. Man, that makes the movie sound really boring. How about rape jokes, a gangbang on a pool table, the aforementioned reverse oreo strangeness, oh, and a man who’s in love with a sex doll that’s real to him (and us, the viewers)? Yeah, see what I mean about it being strange? And that’s all stuff that wasn’t in the source movie.
Speaking of the source movie (as we were), they did a pretty good job sticking to it. There are the usual additions and subtractions necessary to accommodate the porn plot, but otherwise they did right by it. Tommy Pistol got the voice down pat. That really helped make the movie. I feel like he overdid it a little bit with the physical jerkiness, but not so much that it ruins it. Evan Stone was great as Francis, Large Marge, and Chorkle, but what were they thinking when they wrote Chuck, the extremely offensive Rasta stereotype that works at the porno store in the beginning (maybe he owns it? They don’t really make it super clear). I felt really uncomfortable watching that.
That’s the biggest gripe I have with the movie. There are a few other small things, like Pee-Wee not making a big deal of locking up his car, which had his precious sexdoll inside. In the source film, Pee-Wee wraps his bike up in so much chain that you can barely see the bike. Also there’s a creepy clown. They could have done a great parody of that scene, but instead they had a CG pullback shot for no reason whatsoever. They also apparently couldn’t find someone to send out for gum that turns your mouth colors. It’s not hard to find, guys. I could probably find it at half a dozen stores within a few blocks from my house. Watching a guy scream because his gum is Winterfresh is just dumb. They also cut to Pee-Wee and the escaped convict (Mickey in the original, don’t think he has a name in this one) talking in the car without showing Pee-Wee hitch-hiking. I also think Dolly was miscast. No offense to Aiden Starr, who is incredibly hot, but Lea Lexis actually kinda looks like E.G. Daily, who played Dolly in the original. Did you know she was also the voice of Tommy Pickles in Rugrats? And Mambo in Duckman? She was also married to Rick Salomon, who you may remember as the d-bag who fucked Paris Hilton, taped it, and then sold the tape. He’s not a d-bag for that, necessarily, he just seemed like one from the way he acted in the tape. Anyway, because of that fact, I’m sure there is a video somewhere of her fucking, so she’s technically a porn star, so they totally should have gotten her to reprise her role as Dolly.
There are a few more, but I understand why they were cut (mostly budgetary reasons, I’m sure), so it’s not too bad. Now onto the stuff I loved. First off, Tommy Pistol has a tattoo of Master Shake holding two chainsaws. Bad. Ass. He also did this little “ugh” when he walked in on Francis and his dad banging the help (Jada Fire) that made me laugh out loud. Evan Stone, as I said above, was great in most of his roles in this film, but I think Large Marge is my favorite. S/he reminded me of Auntie Nelda, one of Jim Varney’s characters. Jim Varney was Ernest, of “Ernest Goes To…” fame. I really hope you knew that already, because if you didn’t, I weep for you. Anyway, it reminded me of that, which is a good thing. The soundtrack, while not as good as the original, was similar enough in a lot of ways that it did a good job of parodying the original score. Of course, nothing’s as good as a Danny Elfman score. Well, maybe a John Williams, Vangelis, or Philip Glass score, but it would have cost more than this movie will make to get any of them, so it’s forgivable. Hmm, what else? Oh! I think Capri Anderson has the tiniest asshole I’ve ever seen. Not sure why I thought that was noteworthy, but there you go.
If you liked Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure (which you should, because it’s awesome), you’ll enjoy Pee-Wee XXX. It’s not a perfect adaptation, and it does suffer from the limited budget of a porn parody, but Rube Goldberg machines that make breakfast for you are expensive. I’m going to give it three and a half strokes, because as good as it was, I’ve still got a bad taste in my mouth from that Chuck character. Evan Stone’s a funny guy, but that wasn’t right. Maybe it was the fact that he was in blackface. Yeah, that’s probably it…
—Swabbin’ DeBoner
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